She's Writing a Novel

Girl with bag: Oh my God. I can't believe I just bought this. I've never spent this much money on [item] before.
Friend: But it's a [item] from [store where all the tags read "Made in Italy"]. It was really a steal for a [item] from [store where all the tags read "Made in Italy"]. I mean, you don't find quality like that other places. And this is going to last.
Girl with bag: That's true. And it really is a very versitile [item]. But I just don't know...I'll barely cover rent this month, now. Do you think I should return it?
Friend: It's up to you. But, I'll tell you this, you looked amazing in that [item].
Girl with bag: I did, didn't I? It's such a sexy [item].
Friend: [Man's name] is totally going to weep when he sees you in this. And [woman's name] is going to be so pissed.
Girl with bag: My [body part] looks great in this [item]. [Woman's name] just WISHES she had my [body part].
Friend: Totally. And what does she have?
Girl with bag: (pause) My boyfriend.

silence

Friend: [Woman's name] is a slut. And she's fat. You look sooo good in that [item].
Girl with bag: I do, don't I?
Friend: Absolutely. Totally hot.
Girl with bag: Oh my God. I can't believe I just spent this much money on a [item].

finis

One thing that you probably shouldn't do:

When you are alone at night and parallel parking in an unsavory part of the neighborhood and it's a tight space and you do that thing where you ease back until you gently, barely tap the car behind and then when you get out of the car suddenly you realize there is a teenaged white trash couple getting out of their car to come at you and saying "yo bitch, you just hit our car."

What you probably shouldn't do then is say "Yeah? Relax. It's called a bumper."

But if you do: memorize their license plate number, dial 911, and haul ass out of there.

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