She's Writing a Novel

I always thought Jessica Simpson was one of the most annoying celebrities in existance, until the world was introduced to her little sister Ashlee. Then I was forced to divide my time between mocking Jessica and deriding Ashlee, and every week I had to reevaluate which one I hated more. Jessica - the ditzy blonde walking pair of tits, or Ashlee - the whining, bratty, walking mess of insecurity with an entitlement complex? They both had horrible style, so I couldn't use that as a tiebreaker. And then I thought that maybe I shouldn't be hating on them so much at all, but rather blame the primum mobile of the Simpson universe himself: Daddy Bad-Touch.

But it is more fun making fun of the girls, and there will be time enough to villify Joe when the girls try to extend their cameo roles in the spotlight by releasing the salicious tell-all book What Daddy Made Us Do.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that the Jessica/Ashlee dynamic is going to get really, really fun with the emergence of New Ashlee. Because one of them has to be the "hotter" sister, and while the title has long belonged to Jessica without question, the balance may be shifting. Ashlee is winning by a nose (sorry). She's also discovered the hot body secrets of Hollywood: speed and anorexia..I mean, stress and exhaustion....I mean, eating right and exercising.

So, the burning question in my mind now is : will Jessica keep her nose? Because before, you only noticed Ashlee's nose and the fact that her profile was just some green grease paint and a pointy hat away from making her a dead-ringer for a cauldron-stirring, broom-riding bride of the devil. Now when you look at them, all you notice is the slightly crooked stump on Jessica's face. I can't imagine that she's OK with that. Because while little sisters may be allowed to share the spotlight, they are never allowed to usurp it.

In any case, I expect that we're going to see a pair of rapidly diminishing sisters over the coming months. Men face-off with fist fights, but women prefer to compete in self-starvation showdowns. The thinner is the winner!

So, the race is on. And I've got a twinkie waiting here for whoever gets to 85 pounds first.