It is such a simple thing. It's so..ordinary, and maybe that's why I can't find it. But this is what I want, Philadelphia. Ready?
I want a goddamn vanilla cupcake slatherered in vanilla frosting with, at most, a mere dusting of rainbow sprinkles. WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU???
I can find poundcake cupcakes with raspberry buttercream frosting, chocolate cupcakes with cherry frosting, lemon cupcakes with lemon frosting. There are raspberry cupcakes with vanilla frosting, and vanilla cupcakes with hazlenut frosting and spice cakes with cinnamon frosting. But vanilla on vanilla? Not to be found. And I've looked: I've searched every bakery, every coffeeshop, every quaint little cafe.
What's happening to the classics? It's like those dark years when Gap decided to get all weird and trendy, and suddenly you couldn't find something basic like a black turtleneck at the Gap. It was awful for the broke minimalist dressers of the world. I can't afford Jil Sander, ok? NOW MAKE ME A PLAIN COTTON TURTLENECK!
It's not even reinventing the wheel. It's like trying to improve on the wheel. Like they're going to find something rounder than a circle if they keep bending things long enough. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT.
I guess my too-simple taste is just not jiving with this current zeitgeist. I want vanilla, basic black, a straight hem. I want monochromatic. I want parallel. I want things without detail or garnish or ornament or exotic flavors. Maybe I am trying to comfort my cluttered mind. Maybe I am reacting to the volatility of a multi-cultural world. Fine, we live in a confusing mosaic of cultures. I DON'T WANT A MULTI-CULTURAL CUPCAKE.
DAMN IT.