A virtual affair
The Russian lover and I became aware of each other's existence via the internet some seven years ago by now. Around the time we got together, there was still some shame in admitting you met your significant other online. Now, of course, the internet is the only way anybody gets a date.
But as sketchy as everyone thinks the internet used to be back in the day, I can assure you that it has become far sketchier. Blame democracy. If we had a couple of handsome trained killers in expensive suits bouncing the gates of the internet, things might be different. But alas, the internet is a club that EVERYONE gets in to.
Recently, for shits and giggles and the potential for social expansion, the Russian lover and I created profiles on a well-known dating website. If you don't see how this could be fun and/or positive for your relationship with your lover, then you probably haven't been together for seven years. Or you take yourselves far, far too seriously.
Anyway, as a female I understand that all I have to do to attract suitors is show up. This is part of the frustration of online dating for women these days; you describe yourself as a cantankerous bitch, you explain that you will settle for nothing less than a James Bond with a Bill Gates bank account, you post a picture of your forearm, and 5 minutes later you have 500 messages in your inbox. Women, we like options. But the thought of trying to fish a king salmon out of a cesspool is discouraging. We look over at our cats sitting in the window and think maybe things as they are aren't so bad after all.
The following is a sampling of verbatim messages in their entirety (original grammar and punctuation retained) as I have received them in the last 24 hours:
hi how are you
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hi there
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Would you be interested in joining my team to save humanity? We must fight the reapers and the geth threat!
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Could I see more of you?
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Hey
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hey what's up
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I need casual sex.. as well.
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hey there..wanna chat if interested
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Hey he can google my name or check any other site for that matter!! I'm fine!! I don't expect you to sleep with anybody unless you wanted too!! I would like to chat if you like my pics!!
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I am so glad I can look up from the brain-dead hiccups and plain-weird ramblings in my inbox and exchange glances with the Russian lover. If it came down to it, I would rather dodge one-liners and ruffies in a sleazy bar than respond to any of these virtual approaches.
Oh, men. Try. I know the feminists told you not to, and led you to believe that you didn't need to. But the truth is that if you take this approach of not trying, the only women you might catch are feminists...and they're the ones who stopped trying for you, too.